BLACKS - A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO RACISM

Blacks have had it pretty easy. They are beloved around the world, they are captains of industry, and they have adorable babies. They have been so successful that other races slavishly imitate their every trend and behavioral tic, from cornrows to gun violence to poor grammar.

This worldly success is directly related to their lives of relative ease, and vice versa. With god-like status in the eyes of their fellow men, blacks haven’t had to deal with horrors like reverse racism or white slavery. That freedom has, in turn, given them the affluence and leisure time to become virtuoso athletes, rhymesmiths, and dominoes players. There was even a black president of the United States of America on the television show 24.1.

Some people have claimed that it’s because blacks are naturally superior to the other races. They say that their genetic material has made them smarter, more civilized, and harder working. Some even believe that black, or “colored” people keep better time than other ethnicities, but that is all bunk. The black’s overwhelming success in business, art, and politics is due to cultural—not genetic—factors.

Only their athletic success is due to innate physical superiority, a fact that is controversial for some reason. Jimmy the Greek explained it best when he said, “The black is a better athlete to begin with because he has been bred to be that way.”

Yes, life has been sweet for the blacks in this country, but who is the Black? For starters, he is a generous friend, known for both his wisdom and his kindness. You might have heard the myth of the “angry black man,” but that is actually nothing more than an etymological holdover from the Anglo-Saxon word “angrie,” which means “well-respected.”

Above all the black is a family man, known for his big heart and his even bigger appetites. A mere twelve ounces of malted liquor is enough for most people, but blacks require more than three times that amount. And while non-blacks will frequently wear just one or two pieces of jewelry, black people drape themselves in as much “bling” as possible, even if it sometimes interferes with their crime-fighting duties.

These outsized attitudes also hold true for intercourse, which is why blacks have such large families, despite being neither Catholic nor poor. They are especially known for their extensive networks of nieces and nephews.

The offspring of mixed-race couplings are, of course, black, because it only takes one drop of black blood to make someone black. Such lighter-skinned black people are sometimes referred to as mulattoes, after the Dairy Queen drink, the “MooLatté®.”2. In order to evade all these unwanted advances, black men are often forced to disguise themselves as fat, older women. It’s not uncommon to see a young man disguising himself as a big momma or a mad black woman or a grandmamma.

There is a long history of cinema, books, and music that deal with the black man’s sexual fears and neuroses. His worst nightmare is played to great effect in the movie Traffic, when a large black man is graphically preyed upon by a comatose, drug-addled white teenager. This sick seduction is performed even more subtly and artfully in movies like Mandingo and Todd Solondz’s Storytelling.3. It’s a tradition in popular culture that goes back to noted civil rights activist and filmmaker D.W. Griffith, and was carried on by authors like Herman Talmadge and songsmiths like Hartford A. Pennywhistle, who topped the charts in 1928 with his ragtime hit, “N-words Shan’t Be Plowing My Daughter (No Sir).”

Until recently, there were laws to prevent such miscegenation. All over the country, legislatures leapt at the chance to protect the black man from the wiles of his sexy, white tormentors. Unfortunately, the Warren court undid all that good with a few misguided rulings.

After all, it’s not always easy on the top. As John Lennon said, “Blacks are the nigger of the world.”

In 1967, in the ironically named case of Loving v. Virginia, the all-white Supreme Court struck down Virginia’s Racial Integrity Act of 1924. Based on the equal protection clause of the Fourteenth Amendment, Chief Justice Earl Warren ruled that laws against intermarriage were unconstitutional, because “Marriage is one of the ‘basic civil rights of man,’ fundamental to our very existence and survival.” Presciently adding, “unless they’re fags.”

Despite the ruling, Alabama bravely held onto its anti-miscegenation laws until 2000. When the state finally bowed to national pressure, it removed the black man’s final protection against lascivious white women.

Alabama held out so long because it has always been a friend to the blacks. It even let the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., stage one of his good-time revival marches in its largest city, back in 1963.4. Then, when he needed a rest and a place to compose a nice, long letter, the Birmingham police allowed King to use one of their jail cells and gave him a whole roll of toilet paper to write it on. Of course, the South has long been a shining beacon of racial harmony in the United States. Let’s look back now at the history of blacks, from the dawn of man to the present day.

2650 B.C.
Egyptians build the great pyramids and lead the world in intellectual thought. 5,000 years later, still known for those same pyramids.

1200 B.C.
Egypt is ruled by the Pharaoh Tutankhamen, who generously leaves behind lots of cool stuff for us to find.

51 B.C.
Cleopatra rises to power in Egypt, nearly bankrupting 20th Century Fox in the process.

300 A.D.
Aksum rises in modern-day Ethiopia as a Christian kingdom. Creates first black Jesus on record.

600
Ghana established as a trading empire.

610
Advent of Islam. Prophet Mohammed immediately stoned for being a visual representation of himself.

740
Moors spend semester in Spain.

1230
Sundiata Keita establishes Mali empire. His mother was an ugly, hunchbacked woman named Sogolon, or “buffalo woman.” Fortunately for him, the “yo mama” joke wouldn’t be invented for more than 700 years.

1307
Mansa Musa takes throne of Mali empire. The name “Mansa Musa” is all that most people will retain from African history segment in junior high.

1441–1865
Nothing of any significance happens to black people.

1865
Affirmative action created.

1865–1877
Blacks briefly hold elected office in the South, accomplish everything they set out to do, and thus never need to serve again.

1867
Hillman College founded in Washington, D.C.

1870
Fifteenth Amendment passed, giving all black men the right to vote for white people.

1881
Tuskegee Institute founded. Will educate many prominent black leaders, as well as Lionel Richie.

1895
Booker T. Washington gives his famous “Atlanta Compromise” speech. Unfortunately, due to racial restrictions in Atlanta, he is forced to compromise and give the speech in nearby Decatur.

1896
The Supreme Court rules in the case of Plessy v. Ferguson. The case is won by either Plessy or Ferguson.

1899
Scott Joplin writes his “Maple Leaf Rag.” His racial background comes as a shock to many who had assumed that anyone who would write such a vanilla ragtime piano melody must be white.

1901
Booker T. Washington has dinner at the White House with President Theodore Roosevelt. White House correspondent Fuzzy Zoeller can only speculate as to the menu that evening.

1903
W. E. B. DuBois suggests the idea of a “Talented Tenth” for the black community. That talent? Cunnilingus.

1905
Madame C.J. Walker becomes America’s first black female millionaire after inventing a method of straightening curly hair. She doubles her money twice over when she successfully invents a skin-bleaching treatment, as well.

1909
The NAACP is founded, with a full name that white people will be uncomfortable saying for centuries to come.

1914
Marcus Garvey founds the Universal Negro Improvement Association, dedicated partly to the improvement of Negroes, but mostly to the wearing of funny hats.

1914
George Washington Carver announces the success of his experiments with peanuts. This fact is all that most people will retain from African American history segment in junior high.

1916–1970
The Great Migration. Tens of thousands of blacks move from the rural South to the urban centers of the North for some reason.

1917–1919
Black soldiers serve heroically as fodder for German cannons.

1920
Negro baseball leagues founded. Players wear cool “throw-back” jerseys.

1925
Brotherhood of Sleeping Car Porters founded, the first successful black trade union. Slogan “It’s sho’ ’nuff possible” fails to catch on as well as Cesar Chavez’s “Si se puede.”

1932–1972
The U.S. Public Health Service studies effects of untreated syphilis in black men in Tuskegee, Alabama. The experiments are shut down, in 1972, after the passage of the controversial “Rural Blacks Are Human Beings” Act.

1936
Jesse Owens wins four gold medals at the summer Olympics in Berlin. The German team fares much better two years later at the biathlon, in which a competitor skis down a slope and then randomly shoots people from his balcony.

1937
Zora Neale Hurston publishes Their Eyes Were Watching God, giving future high school students some seriously hot, steamy homework.

1941
Tuskegee Airmen founded, largely syphilis-free.

1945
Ebony magazine founded, providing thousands of dentists with racially diverse reading material for their waiting rooms.

1947
Jackie Robinson becomes first black player in Major League Baseball, for the Brooklyn Dodgers. The team is so named for their skill at avoiding the projectiles hurled at them from the stands when they play.

1950
Chuck Cooper, of the Boston Celtics, becomes first black professional basketball player. (See 2005–Darko Milicic becomes last white professional basketball player.)

1954
The Supreme Court eliminates school segregation with its ruling in Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka. Segregation then immediately reinstated after Earl Warren’s daughter impregnated by a black classmate.

1955
Rosa Parks refuses to give up her bus seat to a white person. The one-legged pregnant woman is forced to sit in the aisle.

1956
The Sudan gains its independence. The British didn’t want it anymore, anyway.

1957
The National Guard is dispatched to Little Rock, Arkansas, to force Governor Orville Faubus to allow integration. The operation is temporarily derailed when the Guardsmen can’t stop laughing at the name “Orville Faubus.”

1958–1977
Bit by bit, most of the rest of Africa gains its independence from the colonial powers of Europe.

1962
Nelson Mandela imprisoned because he is black, and for no other reason.

1963
The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., speaks at August’s March on Washington. Louis Farrakhan bitterly disputes the official count, which puts the number of attendees at only about 200,000.

1965
Watts riots the worst riots ever to occur in Los Angeles (at the time).

1966
Bobby Seale and Huey Newton found Black Panthers in effort to create easily co-optable revolutionary iconography.

1966
Kwanzaa created by Ron Karenga as alternative to Christmas for black people, because if there’s one thing that black people hate, it’s receiving presents.

1967
Thurgood Marshall appointed to the Supreme Court, despite a scandal in which he allegedly placed a pubic hair on a female colleague’s can of Diet Coke.

1968
Martin Luther King, Jr., assassinated by James Earl Ray, giving radio’s “Greaseman” a hi-larious idea for a joke.

1974
Hank Aaron, totally cranked on HGH and anabolic steroids, hits his record 715th career home run.

1975
Arthur Ashe wins singles title at Wimbledon, proving that blacks can beat white people at any sport.

1977
Alex Haley’s Roots adapted for TV. Geordi LaForge plays it kind of dark.

1980
Zimbabwe gains its independence from Great Britain. Seriously.

1982
Michael Jackson releases Thriller.

1983
Jesse Jackson runs for president on an all-rhyming platform.

1985–1990
Crack.

1990
Nelson Mandela released from prison, finally vindicating the efforts of The Specials.

1991
Motorist Rodney King suffers eleven skull fractures, broken bones and teeth, and permanent brain damage, when he trips and falls onto the batons of four Los Angeles police officers.

1992
 
The four policemen, including Sergeant Stacey Koon, whose last name ironically describes one of his least favorite things, are acquitted on all charges. In response, local blacks decide to burn down their own neighborhoods.

1993
Cornel West publishes the seminal work Race Matters as part of a decade-long audition for a speaking part in one of the Matrix sequels.

1994
Nelson Mandela elected president of South Africa. The Specials kick themselves for not writing a song urging people to elect Nelson Mandela, elect, elect, elect Nelson Mandela.

1995
O. J. Simpson acquitted of murdering his wife, inciting three days of rioting among LA’s white population.

1997
Tiger Woods wins the Masters golf tournament, hammering home the point made by Arthur Ashe two decades earlier.

2001
Colin Powell appointed Secretary of State. Despite initial misgivings, position involves relatively little typing or filing.

2005
Condoleezza Rice appointed Secretary of State. Immediately put to work transcribing Donald Rumsfeld’s dictation.

2008
Barack Obama discredited somehow.

A FEW COMMON STEREOTYPES

Blacks have been relatively free from institutional discrimination in this country, except for a brief period in the 1970s, when they were shamelessly blaxploited by Hollywood. But that doesn’t mean that stereotypes about them don’t exist, both good and bad.

Perhaps the most common black stereotype today is the Gangsta. This character is a tough, stree-twise n-word who frequently commits murder crimes.5. He is recognizable by his 9mm handgun and the impractical, sideways grip with which he holds it. The prevalence of this stereotype may explain why some people are actually afraid of black men.

While there are some actual “gangstas”—mostly in the “hood”—the stereotype’s popularity is mostly due to its widespread popularity within the black community itself. In an unusual trend of intra-racial minstrelsy, many black men pretend to be gangstas by wearing comically baggy clothing and using poor grammar.

The gangsta should not be confused with the Pimp, someone who exploits and abuses women for a living. And what a living! The pimp is justly celebrated in black culture for his flamboyant style, his outlaw status, and of course for his serial exploitation and abuse of vulnerable and drug-addicted women.

Criminality is not entirely foreign to the African American community, but it is mostly limited to the Trickster, a fleet-footed mischief-maker. This lapine figure is known for getting himself out of jams with his quick wit and high vertical leap.6.

The best way to avoid being victimized by one of these rascals is to trap him using a baby doll made out of tar and turpentine. The doll is so sticky that the tricky n-word won’t be able to free himself, and you can retrieve your valuables from him at your leisure.

Some people take offense at the notion that black people are naturally inclined to larceny, but I believe science is on my side with this one. I’m reminded of a scene I witnessed not too long ago. A middle-aged white woman was eating at a fast-food establishment with her young son (also white), when the boy noticed a black man eating alone nearby. “Look, mommy,” he cried, “a robber!”

As my good friend Noam Chomsky would say, this child was born with an innate recognition of the form b= r, where b is “black people” and r is “robbers.” On being confronted with a relevant, real-world situation, he was able to apply this form to the problem at hand. You certainly can’t teach that kind of racism.
The stereotype of the lovable Crackhead is less prevalent now than it was in the late 1980s, when it was introduced to urban neighborhoods by the CIA. And as stereotypes go, it certainly caught on. The crackhead is a modern-day version of the Sambo, a singing, dancing, laughing n-word. The sambo is perpetually happy and helpful, and speaks with an unusual cadence, much like that of George Lucas’s unforgettable alien, Jar Jar Binks.7.

In fact, there was only ever one actual sambo: Rufus Allen Sambo, a mentally retarded black man who lived in the Reconstruction South. Unemployable because of his disability, he spent all day, every day, dancing and singing nonsense songs on the street corners of Charleston. The stereotype has persisted so long because of its popularity in film and television, and it was employed for comic effect by characters like Uncle Remus, Rochester, Stepin Fetchit, and Hoptoit McNegropants.

Despite the hilarious antics of the actors who have played the character, I think this is one stereotype we can put to bed for good. No one views black people as mere entertainment anymore.

BLACKS AROUND THE WORLD

Stereotypes don’t just exist in America. African Americans across the globe are all basically the same,8. whether they be European African Americans, Caribbean African Americans, or African African Americans, but there are different stereotypes about each of them.

Despite what you may have heard about “marijuana cigarettes” and “not bathing,” Jamaicans are no different from blacks anywhere else. Legend has it that the stereotype of the dreadlocked, music-making Jamaican was created out of whole cloth by Jamaica’s board of tourism. And while it’s true that Africans have a sort of preternatural adoptability, it is not the case that they consume human flesh. Anymore. African blacks once believed that their gods demanded it of them to eat anyone in a pith helmet, but they now realize that those gods must be crazy.

In Europe, Black Englishmen are considered especially intelligent, for some reason, but their most visible trait is that they are probably the most fuckable people on the entire planet. In fact, the most common cause of death among blacks in England is dehydration, for exactly this reason.

Even within a race, physical appearances can differ slightly among populations, and Black Swedes are actually quite pale in color. These famous chefs and bikini team members are known for their light, blond hair, which complements their icy blue eyes.

Not to mention the freakish Black Irish.

One stereotype that is, unfortunately, all too true, is that blacks have shorter lifespans than other races. And it’s not just because of their Herculean intake of fried chicken, crack cocaine, and menthol cigarettes. No, whether it’s a war, a routine police mission, a haunted house, or an experiment involving mutated, super-intelligent sharks, blacks are the first to die in any situation. They will always be the one to receive the first stray bullet or zombie bite, and they will always be the first one sawed in half by an apron-clad maniac. It’s a shame, but it’s a fact of life.

While many stereotypes about blacks are harmless, a persistent and ugly rumor claims that blacks have all had their lower ribs removed in order to be able to better fellate themselves. Like all stereotypes, it is based in fact, but its prevalence is wildly exaggerated. According to my research, there is only one known case of this actually happening, when jazz legend Charlie Parker had the surgery so that he could snort heroin off of his own erect penis.

Speaking of black penises, they’re huuuuuge. At least, that is the stereotype, but the myth of the huge black penis is somewhat over-blown. I’ve seen my share of black penises, believe you me. Dozens and dozens of them. Hundreds, even.9. And they’re nothing to sniff at: long, girthy, and they feel good in the hand. Nevertheless, blacks don’t actually have the longest penises of any race. They are outstripped by both the Samoans and the treacherous Jews. Such are the wages of sin, I suppose.
Just as black men are known, rightly or wrongly, for their large penises, black women are known for their enormous vaginas. While he was dating Whoopi Goldberg, Ted Danson famously compared sleeping with her to “throwing a hotdog down a hallway.” Because Goldberg, like all black women, has a huge, cavernous vagina.

Whoopi is one example of what is known as the Sassy Black Woman. Perhaps the most common type of black woman, she lives in a constant state of confrontation, responding to any and all stimuli with a flamboyant finger-snapping ritual. Sassy black women are, for the most part, harmless, but in groups they can completely ruin a movie.

According to the evidence I’ve collected from television commercials, the sassy black woman is also F.A.T. It’s an acronym coined by sassy black woman Mo’Nique, or “More ’Nique,” that stands for “fabulous and thick.”

Of course, not all black women are sassy, and not all are fat. Some are only one or the other. Some of these sassy and/or fat black women are very successful Black Lawyers (who are married to successful, jazz-loving Black Obstetricians), while others are Hos.10. For young black women, the ho is mostly just an act, like the gangsta among young black men. They admire the scantily clad, sexually profligate women they see in rap videos, and attempt to dress and act just like them. Also, some black women are prostitutes.

Not much is known for sure about the black woman, but, as anyone who’s ever picked up a copy of National Geographic knows, their most unique trait is that they are almost always topless.11. It bears further study, but I believe that toplessness may be able to mend whatever racial divides still exist in this country. After all, if half-naked tribal women can effect the sexual awakenings of so many circa-1950s young white boys, then can true racial understanding be far behind?
Also, it is important to remember that you must never, under any circumstances, make a black woman take off her earrings.

CONCLUSION

Blacks are peaceful and easygoing for the most part, because of their lives of social and economic privilege. But one thing’s for sure: They certainly are a musical people. Oh, and they fucking hate the Jews. Presumably out of penis envy.

By C. H. Dalton in " A Practical Guide To Racims",Gotham Books, USA,2008,excerpts chapter five.Digitized, adapted and illustrated to be posted by Leopoldo Costa.