ETIQUETTE - THE DINNER PARTY

Interesting people, good food, and a pleasant setting are the ingredients. What brings them together to make a great dinner party? Not champagne and caviar, not fine china and silver—though these are certainly gracious embellishments. The indispensable elements are the hosts and the spirit they bring to the occasion.

Many years ago, Emily Post wrote, “. . . if the enthusiasm of your [the hostess and host’s] welcome springs from innate friendliness—from joy in furthering the delight of good-fellowship beneath your own roof—you need have little doubt that those who have accepted your hospitality once will eagerly look forward to doing it again and again.” Her advice is as fresh today as it was in 1922, just as her prediction that “perhaps in time the term formal dinner may come to mean nothing more exacting than company at dinner” has proved correct.

The very formal dinner party, though still a staple for ceremonial and certain business events, has given pride of place to informality. The etiquette of today’s dinner party owes much to the casual style of family meals. Rigid rules have been replaced by flexibility, and today’s successful hosts are more concerned with the needs of their guests than the perfection of their table settings. Whether a seated meal with candlelight and professional servers or a grab-a-plate-and-serve-yourself cookout, a great party is always grounded in enthusiasm and friendliness.

But you can’t throw a party on good intentions alone. Even the most casual get together requires careful organization, thoughtful execution, and courteous manners. Although primarily devoted to the etiquette and intricacies of hosting a dinner party, this chapter is also intended to guide dinner party guests and maximize everyone’s enjoyment of the occasion.

The First Steps to a Successful Party

Fun as it may be to dream up a scrumptious menu and think about whom you will invite, first things must come first—when you will hold the party, how many guestsyou’ll include, and how much money and time you’re prepared to spend. These business-like basics will largely determine all other decisions.

Date and Time

The time of your party is up to you, but be conscious of local customs and work schedules, particularly if the party will be on a weeknight. Consider time changes; a party might begin a little later during daylight savings time, a little earlier during the darker months.

Consult your own calendar and be attuned to what is going on among your likely guests. A conflict with religious services, a major sport or cultural event, or parents’ night at the neighborhood school can cause problems. Check with a guest of honor before setting a date (or with a family member if the party will be a surprise). If you plan to hire help, keep in mind that experienced cooks, servers, and caterers are usually booked well in advance for holidays as well as graduation and wedding season.

The Guest List

All sorts of things might go awry during the evening, yet your party can be a rousing success—with the right guest list. The key is to invite people whom you like and have every reason to believe will be interested in each other, whether they already know one another or are strangers.

The mix of guests will largely determine the personality of your event—peaceful, relaxed, intense, spirited. If you want a tranquil evening, don’t include guests who are likely to bicker. You can ask your ardent Republican friend to this dinner and your equally vehement Democratic friend to your next gathering. But if you and your other guests enjoy lively political discussions, invite both.

Sometimes, the occasion itself will dictate all or part of your guest list—dinner for business associates and their spouses, members of a club or an organization, a guest of honor (in which case the guest is often asked to suggest people whom he or she would like to include), or family members. When entertaining people you don’t know well, especially at a large party, it’s a good idea to include a sociable friend or two who will be willing to help you keep the evening running smoothly.

There’s no foolproof formula for the guest list. And few hosts have escaped the classic party poopers—the nice guy who becomes a buffoon after one cocktail, the quiet type who decides to flirt outrageously, the egotist who has to have the spotlight, the sloppy eater. Managing difficult guests is, for most people, a matter of learning through experience, and experience comes through doing. Don’t be discouraged if an occasional gathering doesn’t go according to plan; every party is a chance to learn and hone your hosting skills.

How Many Hosts?

Co-hosting is an excellent way to throw a large dinner, which may be too expensive for an individual or couple. Bonding together with friends is also a good way to host events honoring others—graduation, engagement, wedding, anniversary, birthday, promotion, and retirement dinners.

Co-hosts should get together at the outset; discuss dates, guest list, budget; and de cide who will do what. Duties should be divided as fairly as possible, taking advantage of each person’s skills and interests. If one of the hostesses has a great eye for color but can’t boil water, she’s the obvious choice to do the centerpiece—not the crown rib roast. Co-hosts also share hosting responsibilities, including greetings and introductions, kitchen duty, and serving or supervision of hired servers.

The host at whose home the party will be held has the greatest responsibility, and others should offer to assist with cleaning in advance of the event as well as post-party cleanup. Supplementing the “home host’s” tableware and kitchen equipment is another way to pitch in. Sometimes a co-host can’t physically help (often the case with an elderly or infirm person or someone who lives out of town). But able-bodied people who are too busy to contribute their time should think twice before co-hosting.

How Many Guests?

Most people can handle intimate dinners for four to six people; entertaining larger numbers depends on your ability to accommodate everyone comfortably. Take an objective look at your house or apartment and picture it with your guests present. Where will they sit? Is there plenty of room for people to move about freely and eat in comfort? If your dinner table is designed for eight, then inviting twelve for a seated meal will mean cramming. Pity the people who will be stuck at the corners of the table, and invite fewer guests or opt for a buffet.

Do you have plenty of comfy seating for before and after the meal? What about bathrooms? Too many guests and too few facilities can cause lines. Do you have enough plates, glasses, utensils, and table linens for the number of people you want to invite, or are you prepared to purchase, borrow, or rent the necessary items?

Experienced hosts take everything into account, including the weather. Thirty people may be optimal for a buffet in the warm months, when guests can overflow onto the porch or terrace. But the same number may be too many to confine inside in the dead of winter.

Budgeting Money and Time

A successful dinner party is one that seems almost effortless but has been planned with military precision. One of a host’s first steps is budgeting, so decide how much you can spend on the evening; account for everything, down to the last swizzle stick. It’s better to trim your supply list at the beginning than to overspend on decorations and then be forced to nickel-and-dime on food and beverages.

Wise hosts and hostesses budget their time as carefully as their money. One person or a couple can manage a small casual dinner, but assistance of one kind or another is usually needed for eight or more at a seated dinner and for larger groups at a buffet. Do you have family members or friends who can help with cooking and service? Would it be a good idea to hire one or several servers, kitchen assistants, or bartenders for the evening? Or is professional soup-to-nuts catering the best way to go?

Cooking and serving are only part of a host’s responsibilities. If you’re stuck in the kitchen or preoccupied with getting the meal on the table, who will greet your guests, make introductions and keep conversation going, and spot little problems before they become big ones? Hosting a dinner party is a good example of multi-tasking, so decide which tasks you can handle and which require help.

Advance Preparations

With the day and time, guest list, and budget decided, you’re ready to plan exactly how to organize the evening. For many hosts, this is the best part of preparation—calling for equal parts of creativity and common sense.

The Dining Format

No matter how formal or casual, there are two basic formats for dinner parties—the seated meal and the buffet—but each allows for a good deal of variation.

1. Seated dinner with food served at the table. Guests are seated at the dining table. The food is brought to them, or serving dishes and platters are placed on the table and passed. The meal is served in courses, and plates are changed between courses. The number of courses can range from two to six, and the level of formality is entirely up to the hosts.

2. Semi-buffet, or seated dinner with buffet service. The meal is eaten at the dining table and perhaps smaller tables set for dining, but the food and plates are put out on a separate buffet table or tables, and guests serve themselves. Drinks, dessert, and sometimes the salad course may be brought to the guests at their tables. Semi-buffets adapt beautifully for outdoor parties with seating at patio or picnic tables.

3. Buffet with casual seating. This is the true buffet. Guests serve themselves at the buffet and then sit where they please in the party area—living and dining rooms, family room, patio. A buffet requires adequate seating and table space (coffee table, side tables, and tray tables), so diners will have a place for glasses and cups and saucers. Casual buffets include barbecues, pool parties, and box suppers. 

4. Cocktail buffet. A cocktail buffet is basically a cocktail party at which the food is sufficient to constitute a meal. The menu is more extensive and heartier than hors d’oeuvres, and food can be eaten with the fingers only or with no more than a plate and fork. Food is put out buffet-style on one or more tables, and guests take items at their leisure. A cocktail buffet often begins later than a conventional cocktail party—6:30 or 7:00 pm—and lasts two to three hours. A cocktail reception is the most formal type; the party is usually in honor of a person or event, and the dress is often black tie for men and fancy cocktail or evening dresses for women.

The Catered Affair

Caterers can be lifesavers for busy hosts, and catered meals are often less expensive than people imagine. But finding and hiring just the right caterer requires a considerable investment of time. If you’ve never hired a caterer, ask family and friends for recommendations, or check out local business listings. Search carefully, meet personally with prospective caterers, and check every detail before signing a contract.

A caterer who comes to your home offers off-premises services. On-premises catering is done at the caterer’s location—hotel, club, restaurant. Some caterers do both, so you might ask your favorite restaurant if they also cater off-premises or can suggest someone.

➢ Before calling caterers, establish your budget; the date, time, location, and format of the party; and the approximate number of guests. Think about what you want the caterer to do—full meal and bar preparation and serving, food preparation only, all food or just part of the meal. Do you want the caterer to supply plates, dinnerware, and glasses? Some caterers also offer furniture rental, table linens, and decorations and flowers.

➢ If you don’t have a specific caterer in mind, meet with several and get more than one estimate. Caterers usually give average per-person estimates, but you can ask for an itemized list that breaks out food, serving personnel, and equipment costs. Does the estimate include tax and gratuities? How is payment to be made? Discuss the menu in detail and inquire about your options. Consider the labor involved in food preparation and serving. Paying careful attention to specifics can save you from unpleasant surprises when the final bill is submitted.

➢ Some caterers will come to your home for an interview. If not, you should be clear about your facilities and possible limitations such as a small kitchen or difficult access for catering vehicles. If the dinner will be at a clubhouse, on a boat, or at some other site away from your residence, describe the place and its location clearly.

➢ Check references. Be certain the caterer is properly licensed and has a valid catering permit. Check the caterer’s insurance (general liability and liquor liability) and workers’ compensation coverage. Your state or local health department has information about licensing requirements in your area.

➢ Visit the caterer’s kitchen. Most caterers offer samples of their cooking, so taste the cuisine. You can ask to see photos of catered meals to get a sense of the caterer’s presentation style.

➢ Determine whether the caterer is able to be flexible—for instance, if meals can be provided for any guests whom you know have special requirements, such as kosher or vegetarian meals.

➢ Finally, you should have a comfortable professional relationship with the catering service you hire. The caterer and his or her helpers will be working in your home, and even if they handle everything, you should oversee the work so that it’s done to your satisfaction.

Inviting Your Guests

Although casual dinners may be arranged at the last minute, invitations to a dinner party are normally issued a week or two before the event—three to six weeks if the occasion is formal or the social calendar is crowded. In general, the more formal a dinner, the earlier invitations are mailed, since guests need time to prepare for an elegant evening.

The formality of the event usually dictates the nature of the invitation. For veryformal dinners and cocktail receptions, invitations are printed, engraved, or handwritten. Invitations to less formal dinners can be printed to order, pre-printed cards with information filled in by hand, handwritten notes, or issued by phone or in person. E-mail is a possibility as long as the invitees are regular e-mail users.

Phoned or in-person invitations are often a must for events like a potluck supper when guests are expected to contribute food and other items, though you might follow up with an attractive invitation.

Invitations to seated dinners and small buffets usually include an RSVP because the host needs to know exactly how many people to plan for. A notation of “Regrets only” or no request for a reply may be fine for a large buffet-style dinner; as long as you have an approximate number, there’s usually plenty of food for a few extra people. But an RSVP will give you the most accurate guest count.

In addition to date, time, place, names of the hosts, and RSVP, an invitation should indicate the nature of the party (for the wording and meanings of dress notations, and any other pertinent information, including directions to the party location if needed.

Determining the Menu

your menu will depend on the formality or informality of your party, whether food is served at the table or buffet, who will be doing the cooking, the tastes of your guests, and your budget. Also consider the size of your kitchen and how it is equipped and ventilated. If you have one oven, for instance, you won’t be able to bake or roast everything, so include dishes that can be cooked or warmed on your cooktop as well. You also need adequate cold storage and freezer space for items prepared in advance.

A good dinner menu is a balance of richness and simplicity. For example, a first course of a heavy soup or shellfish in a cream sauce might be balanced by an entrée of roast beef au jus or chicken baked in fresh herbs. A sauced entrée might be accompanied by crisp, lightly seasoned vegetables. Everything should complement everything else; flavors should enhance flavors. Too many sauces or “sweet” items can be overwhelming. Consider food textures, colors, and aromas. Envision the full plate you will set before your guests. Will it appeal to the eye and nose as well as the taste buds? For inspiration, today’s cookbooks, cookery magazines, and their Internet versions often le menus as well as recipes.

If you’re the chef, ask yourself what you do well. A basic rule of cooking for a group is to avoid experimenting. You’ll feel more confident preparing foods that you are familiar with, and it’s usually easier to adapt recipes you know than to try something totally new.

Many people think that a dinner party menu has to include more courses than a family meal, but that isn’t necessarily the case. A formal dinner menu traditionally comprises five or six courses, but most at-home dinner parties consist of three or four, and in some cuisines (Asian and Indian, for instance), a main course and dessert are more than adequate.

An elaborate formal dinner menu can include as many as six courses:

1. Soup, fruit cup or melon, or shellfish
2. Fish or sweetbreads (often omitted if shellfish is served first)
3. Entrée, or main course (usually roast meat or fowl with vegetables)
4. Salad
5. Dessert
6. Coffee and cordials (with fresh fruits and/or cheeses served after dessert as an option)

Note that salad is served after the entrée, contrary to the U.S. restaurant practice of serving salad first. The reason is that fresh greens and salad vegetables in vinegar-based dressings are served to cleanse the palate between the meat course and the dessert and dessert wine. Traditionally, wine is not served with the salad course because the vinegar in the dressing will interfere with the taste of a good wine.

If a light sorbet is served between courses, it is also intended to clean the palate. The serving is small, and diners may have a taste or eat it all.

An at-home dinner party menu is often limited to a starter course (soup, fruit, avegetable or shellfish dish, pasta), entrée, and dessert, with coffee after. Salad can be served as a starter or accompany the entrée.

A buffet dinner menu may eliminate the starter course, though the host will often provide more than one entrée and a greater variety of side dishes. Buffet-style dessert sometimes includes more than one sweet plus fresh fruit for diners who prefer a lighter end to the meal. You might set a separate table featuring several desserts or a single, spectacular creation such as a tiered cake. Dessert plates, forks, and spoons are put on the dessert table.

A cocktail buffet menu may include hors d’oeuvres or just a hearty spread of foodsthat can be eaten while guests stand. Napkins are essential, since finger food is often eaten directly after being taken from trays or containers. Toothpicks and skewers are provided for fruit wedges, meatballs, chicken wings, and other foods that are sticky orgreasy. (Put out an empty plate or bowl, so guests can dispose of used skewers andbones.) Crackers, toast points, and flat breads serve as bases for meats, pâté, and flavorful spreads. If plates and utensils are needed, usually dessert plates and forks are sufficient.

Dietary Considerations

If you know that a guest follows a special diet but aren’t sure of the specific restrictions, don’t hesitate to call and ask. It’s especially wise to inquire if the guest is the only one (or one of a few) whom you’re inviting. There are also some precautions a host or cook can take without consulting guests. One is to avoid cooking with peanuts, peanut oil, and additives such as monosodium glutamate (MSG) that commonly cause allergic reactions. Another is to steer clear of very hot or heavily spiced dishes unless you know your guests enjoy them. If you serve a highly spiced dish, also provide a blander alternative for guests who can’t take the heat.

In general, a guest with dietary restrictions should not alert his host ahead of time— except when he’s the only guest or one of a few. When the restrictions are due to allergies, other medical conditions, or religious sanctions, it’s especially important to inform the host. A vegetarian may also say something if he’s the only guest. He can offer specifics. For example, does he exclude red meats only or all meat, fish, and fowl? Are eggs and dairy products, including cheese, off the list? Whatever the dietary restriction, the thoughtful guest should offer to bring his own food to a small gathering or when visiting overnight with a relative or good friend.

At a large gathering, a guest with food restrictions should eat what he can, though it’s imperative that he ask the host if he has questions about any off-limits ingredients. When asking, he should take the host aside so that others won’t think there might be something wrong with the food. Some people with allergies and other food restrictions simply eat something before attending a dinner party to ensure that they won’t be hungry if there isn’t much served that they can eat.

When a dietary “restriction” is simply a matter of taste, the guest makes his preferences known only if his host asks (“Do you eat meat?” or “Do you like Brussels sprouts?”). It’s rude for a guest to inquire about a party menu just to see if he’ll like what’s being served.

Choosing and Serving Wines

For those who aren’t wine connoisseurs, purchasing and serving wine may seem like crossing a minefield. But people have been making, drinking, and enjoying wines for millennia, without the wine snobbery that sometimes crops up today.

Trust your taste buds. If you think a wine tastes good with a certain food, your guests will probably agree. Try to find a wine shop with knowledgeable staff who can make recommendations based on your menu and your budget. (Very good wines need not be expensive or rare; purchasing by the case can save money.) Food and wine publications offer useful suggestions, but try to sample a wine you don’t know, preferably with the food you plan to serve. Keep a record of wines and brands you particularly like for future reference.

You don’t have to serve a different wine with every course, but even with the most casual dinner, it’s nice to have a white (perhaps for cocktails and first course) and a red, as long as the wines go with the food.

The following fundamentals should help with wine selection and service—and eliminate some misconceptions.

Red and white. Traditionally, white wines are served before red, and dry (“sec”) wines before sweet. But the food more often determines the choice of wine. For instance, a somewhat sweet wine may be particularly suited for a rich, sweetish entrée such as lobster.

Red wine with red meat and white wine with fowl and fish remains a serviceable guideline, but the specific food is a better way of deciding which wine to serve. In general, wines should be comparable to the food in “body” or “weight” (relative strength), so that one doesn’t overpower the other: robust wines with hearty dishes, lighter wines with more delicate fare. The variety of wines today is so great that color is no longer a predictor of strength.

Uncorking. Wine is usually uncorked about a half hour before being served in order to aerate, or “breathe.” Wine is generally opened, tasted, and allowed to air—and corks are sniffed for vinegary or “off ” smells—in the kitchen. Champagne is often opened, with care, at the table and served as soon as the cork is popped.

Temperature. Generally, white and pink wines are chilled before serving; red wines are not. But the  old rule of serving reds at room temperature was made back when room temperatures tended to be colder than in modern housing, so a red wine may benefit from slight chilling. Any wine that is too cold or too warm loses its distinctive flavor. Your wine dealer can provide temperature guides, but again, trust your instincts and your taste.

Between pourings, a chilled wine can be returned to the fridge or kept in an ice bucket on a side table. For serving, the bottle is usually wrapped in a large dinner napkin or white towel to hold the chill and prevent dripping from condensation.

Decanting. Aged red wines and port wine develop sediments, so they are decanted— poured into a glass container or carafe—to separate the clear wine from the sediment. The bottle is stored upright for twenty-four hours; then the wine is carefully poured into the decanter until the sediment reaches the top of the bottle. To catch stray bits, you can pour through cheesecloth. Other wines can be poured into carafes simply because it is an attractive way to serve.

Pouring. At the table, wine is poured before each food course if there’s a new wine for that course. This gives the diner a chance to smell and taste the wine on its own. Traditionally the host pours for women and older guests first, then the men, and fills his or her glass last. At a buffet, however, wine is offered when a guest is seated or set out on the drink table for guests to serve themselves.

➢ Wineglasses are filled approximately halfway, though sparkling wines are often poured to the two-thirds level so the drinker can enjoy the bubbles. Filling a wineglass near the rim makes it difficult to savor the aroma, and a full glass is easier to spill.

➢ Still wines are poured into the center of the glass, but sparkling wines are poured against the inside of the glass (tilt the glass slightly) to preserve the natural carbonation. To prevent drips, give the bottle a slight twist to end pouring.

Holding the glass. Since white wines are normally chilled, a white-wine or champagne glass is held by the stem to prevent the transfer of heat from the hand. Red-wine glasses, which are sometimes larger and a bit heavier, may be held by the bowl. The bowl of a cognac glass is cupped in the hand because cognac benefits from warming. This also explains why cognac and brandy glasses are not made of cut crystal, which interferes with the warming.

Setting the Scene

Another key ingredient for a successful dinner party is ambience—the mood set by the surroundings. As you prepare, think about how you can best organize your home to make your guests comfortable and complement the meal. Consider your own convenience. As host and perhaps chef and server, you have a lot to do, and your physical surroundings should facilitate your every movement.

A few more suggestions for setting the scene follow:

1. Rearrange furniture and other items if necessary to facilitate conversation and freedom of movement. Arrange seats in clusters so that your guests can easily visit. Large pieces of furniture might be shifted if they block easy access to the party areas. Protect valuable items by putting them where they can’t be accidentally broken or damaged.

2. Put out plenty of drink coasters. Cocktails and other pre-dinner drinks are served with a paper or cloth napkin, but these won’t prevent water rings on furniture. If smoking is allowed, be sure to put out ashtrays.

3. Set drink and buffet tables apart from main gathering points and doorways. If you use multiple dining tables, be sure there’s plenty of passage room for guests to get to their seats and sit without bumping into the person behind them.

4. Be conscious of fragrances. Flowers with strong scents, aromatic candles, pungent potpourri, room fresheners, and the like can become stifling in enclosed spaces, set off allergies, and ruin the flavors of the foods you serve.

5. Adjust room temperatures and lighting. A large group of people will affect the climate of a room, so it’s often wise to adjust thermostats before a party (slightly lower than normal heat settings and higher settings for air-conditioned spaces). Adjust as needed during the evening. Lighting should be bright enough for people to see, but not glaring. Table lamps tend to be softer and more flattering than overhead lights, and dimmer switches allow for easy adjustments. Candles provide a warm glow but are inadequate after sundown.

A lighted house always seems to say, “Welcome,” so open the curtains or blinds before your guests arrive. You can close them once the party is under way.

Subdue the music. Recorded classical or contemporary middle-of-the-road instrumental music is usually a safe bet. Be certain the music is just loud enough to be distinct; when turned too low, it becomes an uncomfortable and distracting buzz.

The Dinner Table

The following ideas apply particularly when you entertain at dinner.

1. Table linens. Keep tablecloths and place mats uncomplicated. Very frilly or lacy mats, napkins, and table runners and crocheted tablecloths can snag utensils, glass bases, even guests’ bracelets and watchbands, causing spills. Plastic tablecloths and mats are fine for casual outdoor dining, but they can detract from the overall appearance of a more formal table.

Cloths for dining tables should fall no more than fifteen to eighteen inches below the edge of the table. Cloths for buffet and serving tables may touch the floor. A floor-length cloth on a bar table is a good way to keep bottles, ice chests, and other supplies out of sight. Be sure to equip bar and food stations with plenty of cocktail-sized napkins, paper, or cloth.

2. Table decorations. Flowers and other decorations should be centered on the table and arranged in low containers, so they don’t block the view from one side of the table to the other. For the same reason, candelabra are placed with their broad sides facing the ends of the table, and clusters of candlesticks are avoided if they will interfere with guests’ line of sight. Candles should be new, unscented, dripless, and burn higher or lower than the eye level of seated diners. Light candles before guests enter the dining area.

Everything on the table should serve the cause of dining, so don’t clutter place settings with decorative extras. Guests shouldn’t have to forage through table favors, oversized place cards, exotic napkin holders, and other knickknacks to find their plates and utensils. Individual menus are provided only for the most formal dinners.

Flowers are pretty on buffet tables, if there’s room. Arranging buffet food at different height levels, while intended to showcase the food, can actually impede self-service and sometimes put a dish literally beyond a guest’s reach.

3. Buffet tables. The placement of dinner plates indicates the starting point of a buffet table. On a large or round table, putting plates in the center gives no clear place to begin and also forces guests to reach over the food. Although silverware and napkins may be arranged next to the plates, placing utensils at the end of the buffet frees guests from carrying too many items as they serve themselves. You can also provide dinner trays—set with utensils and napkins—at the end of the serving table. For a seated semi-buffet, dining tables are set with everything except plates.

The arrangement of the food on a buffet is up to you, though gravies and sauces are placed beside the dishes they accompany and breads are often available at the end of the line. (If bread and rolls are placed on the plate first, they can become soggy with sauces, meat juices, and dressings.)

When serving drinks buffet-style, it’s usually more convenient to use a separate table. Guests can take their filled plates to the table or wherever they are sitting and then return to the drink table. Expecting guests to juggle a full plate, utensils, and napkin while pouring a beverage is an open invitation to accidents.

Let the Party Begin

A host or hosts should be ready on the dot to answer the door, greet guests, and take coats. After a gracious greeting, you’ll want to offer each new arrival something to drink. But don’t abandon a guest at the door in order to get him a cocktail. Usher guests to the party area, make introductions as necessary, and then get the drink or direct the guest to the drink table.

If separate groups of guests arrive at the same time, welcome everyone inside first, then make introductions. (When you’re a guest, don’t stop to chat at the door, especially if there are other guests behind you.) A single host may have to do some fancy footwork when guests come in rapid-fire order, so it’s pragmatic to ask one or two good friends to help with introductions and beverages. Couples and co-hosts can share greeting responsibilities.

Once everyone has arrived, a host should mix and mingle while attending to these essential courtesies:

Encourage conversation. When introducing guests for the first time, bring up subjects they may have in common. If you see someone on his own or trapped in a conversation, politely go to the rescue.

Pass hors d’oeuvres and offer to replenish drinks. Refill bowls of munchies before the last olive or pretzel disappears.

Pick up empty, abandoned drink glasses. Dump out and wipe ashtrays. In other words, police the party area, but don’t be obsessive.

Check periodically on bar supplies and napkins. Refill ice buckets as needed.

Take quick peeks in bath and powder rooms to see that everything is in order. Replace soiled or wet hand towels.

Dinner Is Served

When the group is small, the host simply announces that dinner is served. With larger numbers, the host or hosts approach conversation groups and invite them into the dining area. Try to spot a few good friends who will begin the movement; most people will follow. Ringing a bell or sounding a gong is an antiquated custom but might be fun if it fits with the theme of the evening, such as a Victorian dinner.

Seating shouldn’t be a problem if you’ve planned in advance. Place cards are easiest with a larger group—eight or more at the table—and when multiple tables are used. Otherwise, guests will look to the host for guidance.

1. Convivial seating. Man-woman-man-woman seating is no longer a rule. Gender specific seating really doesn’t fit an age when men and women frequently attend events by themselves or with same-sex partners. Aim instead to seat guests between people with whom they’re likely to be congenial. It’s still a good idea to separate married couples and close friends simply because they are likely to converse too much with each other or discuss domestic subjects that others cannot join in. Think about your guests’ personalities. If you seat a shy person next to a very talkative one, the shy guest may spend the entire meal in enforced silence.

2. Honored guests. A female guest of honor sits to the immediate right of the host, a male honor guest to the immediate right of the hostess. If there is one host or hostess, the honor guest may be seated next to the host/hostess or at the opposite end of the table. But these guidelines are flexible.

3. A special consideration. If you can, seat left-handed guests at the left end of each side of the table, where they are less likely to bump elbows with right-handed neighbors.

4. When to start eating. Hosts traditionally take the first bite of food to signal guests to begin eating. Some hosts observe rituals such as saying a blessing. But when you’re serving, you may want to tell your guests to begin eating before you, so their food won’t go cold; it’s fine for guests to start eating before the host does if he encourages them to do so. At a buffet, guests normally begin eating when they sit down.

Hosts should be conscious of the dinner conversation, guiding it if necessary. Don’t be panicked by natural lulls; people tend to stop talking when a course is served and they begin to eat. Then the chatter picks up. Be alert to uncomfortable situations. When one person is dominating the table talk, you can direct questions to those who aren’t holding sway. If an issue is raised that you know is troubling for some guests, bring up an entirely new subject. A considerate host is always gracious . . . and sometimes a little firm.

After Dessert

Coffee and cordials are served either at the table or in the living room. Though coffee traditionally follows a meal, it’s fine to serve coffee with dessert if your guests prefer. A host is not obligated to offer after-dinner drinks, and today’s hosts might pass up this finishing touch if guests are driving home.

Fresh fruit and/or cheese might be served after dessert, and hosts may put out after-dinner mints and nuts. (At a formal dinner, bowls of mints and nuts can be placed on the table as decorative items, then offered at the end of the dinner.) However, when the meal is over, hosts aren’t expected to continue providing food. Assuming that the meal has been sufficient, the after-dinner hour is your reward—a time to relax with your guests and enjoy the pleasant afterglow of your hard work.

Conversation is the most popular after-dinner activity, but guests may enjoy listening to music, dancing, or playing games such as Trivial Pursuit, Pictionary, and charades. Which activity to choose depends on the mood of the evening, and no one should be goaded into participating.

Saying Farewell

All good things must end, and well-mannered guests will know when to depart. Hosts should be on hand to say farewell and show their guests to the door.

Don’t begin cleaning up or washing dishes until your guests have gone (unless someone has seriously overstayed his welcome and more subtle hints have failed). In general, if a guest offers to help you clean up, respond with a pleasantly firm, “Oh, this is your night out. We’re not doing dishes now. Thanks for offering, though.” The exception is if guests are close friends or family members and it’s customary that you all pitch in when dining at each other’s homes. If guests brought food, you may want to return their serving dishes washed and dried. If you borrowed items for the party, it’s probably best to return them the next day or within a few days.

If you’ve hired servers or caterers, you must see that they are dismissed with your thanks (and payment if that is the arrangement). A good host doesn’t delay an employee’s departure beyond an agreed-on time. If you want a worker or workers to stay throughout the party, be sure that this is clear when you contract for services.

A host’s last duty is to see that guests depart safely and soberly. Do not under any circumstances allow an inebriated guest to drive. Another guest might take the person home. You might call for a cab; pay for it if you must. In the worst case, you may have to put your guest to bed for the night. Don’t worry about embarrassing a guest who has overindulged. What matters is that the person is alive the next day to regret his or her behavior.

Written by Peggy Post in "Etiquette", PerfectBound (HarperCollins Publishers), USA, 2004, excerpts pp.433-453. Digitized, adapted and illustrated to be posted by Leopoldo Costa.